Nobody knew of Nick’s feelings, before it was almost too late.
Nobody knew of how much one person had cared, before they were brought forward.
Nobody knew how big of an impact one person could have, till that person was almost lost.
Nobody ever knew.

It was Nick’s last day. He got to go home today. Finally. It had seemed so long since he had checked into the clinic.
The guys had made sure he was kept under special watch. None of them wanted anything to happen to their band mate, their little brother and their best friend.
“I’ll be fine,” Nick had told them. Yet that was exactly what he had said prior to the incident.
He hated to think about what had happened. He hated thinking about anything that resorted in emotional pain.
Dr. Lark had rehashed his feelings and made him live through each memory again. It was supposed to help him, heal him in a sense.
Nick thought it was all bull shit. But did as he was told, wanting to get out of there and go back to his home in the Keys.
There he could always go and be alone; just how he figured he’d spend the rest of his days.

The guys were brought in on a special meeting. One where Nick was supposed to read a letter to each of them; those four men being the closest to him than any other human being or material object. They filed into the small office, all sitting down as soon as they found an empty seat. None of them had seen the young blonde for nearly a month and a half. Visitor restrictions had been tight on Nick because of his social status and how severe his case was. But when Brian expected a smile to be on his best friend’s face, he was saddened to see a lost, hopeless look. It wasn’t the Nick he knew. It was a stranger. Brian swallowed the lump in the back of his throat and turned to Howie who had sat down next to him on the couch. He gave a weak smile, that matching the other man’s.

The only movement from Nick was from his eyes. He had been watching Kevin. He watched Kevin walk in and sit down across from him, his left leg automatically crossing over his right. Kevin whispered something to Alex but Nick couldn’t read lips very well and let his mind struggle to determine what had been said.

“I want to thank you guys for coming on such sort notice,” The doctor started, standing at the main opening to the small circle in which everyone was sitting.
“We’d do anything for Nick,” Howie spoke up, receiving a nod from the other guys. The doctor smiled, holding his hands together in front of his body.
“That’s really great to hear,” He said glancing over at Nick who seemed fixed on a section of carpet that had been worn down over the years.
“Nick is doing well in therapy,” Dr. Lark had announced, his eyes never leaving his patient. “Nick is on the final section of his treatment where he acknowledges something about those he loves most, or that are closest to him in either a positive or negative way.” Walking towards Nick, Dr. Lark continued, “He has some pretty lengthy letters that I have not personally read but have had Nick review them for me as part of the exercise.”

The doctor sat down in the chair next to Nick and put his hand on the young man’s shoulder. “Nick?” He whispered. “You can read your letters now.”
Nick nodded his head, indicating he had heard his instructions.

The four men around the room watched with eager eyes as Nick stood up, one hand running down his pant leg to remove any sweat that had collected in his palm.
“I’m gonna start with Brian’s letter first,” Nick said in a shaking voice. That voice alone scared the men in the room. It wasn’t Nick’s. It wasn’t like him to be nervous.
When Nick looked towards his best friend, Brian gave him a reassuring smile; the only thing he could think of to give at the time.

“Dear Rok,” Nick started out, his hands fumbling with the pages of white paper.

You were always my friend. The one that made sure that if I got in trouble you’d take at least half of the blame. You stayed up with me till all hours of the night playing Nintendo and telling me about girls.

I remember when I was too young to go out and party; you’d stay in with me and say it was always better to be wherever we were then wherever they were. You’d sneak me alcohol in those blue tinted water bottles so I’d never feel left out, and you never complained about me being late.

The moments we shared while being Frick and Frack were the best. Then it seemed as if I grew up and you tried to stop me. I started making other friends and I knew you didn’t like it. I’m sorry it happened but you always shrugged it off, referring to the facts of life and what had to be had to be.

You started dating and I began to wonder if you were just retaliating against me. Then you met Leighanne. She’s a great girl don’t get me wrong but it was as if you shoved our entire relationship, friendship, memories…the whole idea of us being best friends down my throat and shouted that you never wanted me in your life to begin with.

I got angry then.

Nick stopped reading and took a deep breath. The doctor told him it was alright. Whenever he felt like it, he could continue. Sitting back down in his seat, Nick pushed the pages of his letter down onto his legs.

There was one time I remember clearly, it passes my brain every time I get into my mood. I called you up, asking to hang out that night but you said you had better, more important things to do. You had to take her dog out for a joyous run. You said the dog was worth more of your time than me. You hung up the phone and I ended up shoving mine through the wall. I didn’t let myself cry. I figured that if you found out, you’d call me a baby. You’d never look at me like a human again, or even a man for that matter.

I went into my bathroom and started to prepare for bed. I decided that if I lost myself in an early sleep that by morning I’d believe it was all just a dream. But I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like twenty minutes before I picked up my razor. That’s when my addiction to self destruction started. I cut once across my wrist and felt the burn. I knew I deserved to feel that pain, I knew I had to rid myself of all the evil you hated so much. I did it again and then again.
I had blood pouring out of my wrist and pooling on top of my bathroom counter. It felt so different then anything I had ever felt before. So unbelievably natural, almost to the point where I thought I had convinced myself that I liked the pain. I passed out that night and woke up the next morning in the hospital. Only later did I find out how I got there, but that’s a different story.

I don’t think you ever realized how much I had looked up to you, and idolized the way you were. But I don’t think it was you as a person. I think it was how the fans saw you. This perfect creature with those electric blue eyes, square jaw features and angelic voice. It’s almost like every time I stepped on stage, my vision of you was blurred and manipulated to the performance you gave; how you captivated the audience. But then again, you’ve always been Brian. That crazy guy I’ve grown to love like a brother. I’m sorry I disappointed you in the end and I’m sorry I tried to be around you too much to make you hate me. I didn’t want that at all.
I know I fucked up but then again that’s just me.

You’ll always be my best friend Frick, no matter what…even if a girl someday wins my heart.

Nick finished up his letter, his voice catching at different points where the memories were just too vivid to continue. He decided to take a chance and look up at his friend. As expected, Brian was in tears and shaking his head back and forth.
“You never disappointed me Nick,” Brian said clearly before he covered his mouth with his hand to let out a small sob. “I was as stressed out as you were and I never meant to hurt you…”
Nick looked back down at his letter and then over at his doctor.
“Let’s save all discussions till after Nick finishes his letters,” Dr. Lark instructed, putting his hands up to stop all the men from commenting on what had been said.

He could feel all the eyes on him, they were all staring at him. Knowing that he had probably just put the biggest guilt trip on one of the only people that had ever mattered to him, Nick felt like hiding again. He felt like running away and punishing himself for being honest with his feelings. Then he realized that the other three were probably dreading what he’d say to them. They were probably wondering what they had personally driven him to with each of their flaws. Nick knew they were going to ask him. Try to make it seem like he had some self control, some way he could have stopped himself when honestly there was no way.

“I’ll do Howie’s next,” Nick announced not lifting his eyes from his stack of papers rested in his lap. He swore he could hear Howie’s quick in take of breath as soon as he had mentioned his friend’s name.
“Go ahead,” The doctor encouraged. His voice always seemed uplifting, in that fake supportive manner.
Clearing his throat, Nick began to read.

Howie!
What a life you have lived thus far?! I admire you whole heartedly and respect you as a business man, a friend and a teacher.

I struggled to watch you lose your sister. You held it together though, more than I would have. You reminded each of us what was important, and I think that if you hadn’t I would be worse off now then what I am already. Because of what I saw happen to you, I attempted to regain and mend the broken ties between my family. I only wish for half as much love as which the Doroughs posses. I have yet to be so lucky.

You taught me how to be a friend without regrets. To live, love and learn without question. I have learned a lot from you Howie and I will be forever grateful.

Thank you for taking the time, and showing me that no matter what someone does, or doesn’t do that you should never hold that against them. Peace at heart helps mend physical boundaries. I shall never forget that simple peace of advice you gave me long ago.

I should announce to the world that if it wasn’t for you, I’d be in the poor house. I know it’s not that funny to joke about, but if you weren’t there it’d be true. You showed me how to manage my finances when my broker seemed to be screwing me over behind my back. You always told me never pay more for advice then what I’d pay my own mother; slim to none was always the best answer.

You introduced to me to great people and allowed me to be the first person to buy a condo in your new real estate complex. I’m not sure if you know it or not, but I still live there when I’m not in the Keys or on my boat. I have a picture of the two of us on my mantel piece, you holding up a dollar bill to remind on how to act and not get in over my head.

Thank you Howie. I can never say that enough. You have helped me more than you will ever know, and were always a true friend that I could count on when I needed it.

Nick looked over the last line of his letter and thought of the times he should have went to someone; went where he could have gotten help earlier but didn’t. He had failed that portion and he knew it, the guys knew it and the doctor diagnosed it.

Lifting his eyes, Nick stared straight at Howie. He didn’t move, just looked. Then Howie opened his mouth to speak but Nick beat him to it.
“Thank you.”
It was causal yet seemed to hold more meaning then the Thank Yous of the letter. Howie smiled and replied in a steady voice.
“You’re welcome.”

“Alex is next,” Nick whispered turning the page of his letter. He looked over at his tattooed friend and gave a short, barely noticeable smile. AJ put his hands together in his lap and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, waiting patiently for what was about to come.

“Your name is Alex,” Nick stated. “But only to the special few.”

You loved your name. You’d go by AJ on stage or in the fans’ eyes. But you told us to call you Alex from day one. You explained that only friends had the knowledge and privilege of calling you that. Girlfriends always got the choice though; Alex or Alexander, which ever they preferred.

You were the wild, crazy, party aholic that parents never wanted to see their daughters bring home. I hated how you could express yourself through tattoos and hair colors where as I couldn’t. I was the clean cut, cute, young one all the girls seemed to want.

I wish I could have been like you. Uncaring about most things, yet extremely passionate about others. You were always artistic and using that, I seemed to help myself grow because of your exhibits of that passion. Writing your poetry, or short snippets of songs, you seemed to keep your head from floating to the clouds. I remember you telling me that writing poems doesn’t mean that every other line had to rhyme.

I applaud you for taking the time to show me the way a girl’s mind work, even if you got smacked more than once. You were always the life of the party that way.

Yet there is still things that trouble me about you.

When you were in a bad mood, it was always me you seemed to take that emotion out on. You called me names all the time. Horrible names that I will never forget.

I remember lying awake at night, attempting to cry myself to sleep but so worried that you’d come back into the room and beat the living shit out of me just because of who I was or who I wasn’t.

Picking fights with me, or teasing me about the way my hair cut seemed to be a favorite past time of yours, especially when you were drinking. I always blamed the alcohol. I would tell myself ‘That’s not the real Alex. He’s just using AJ as his cover’.

But you never got better.

You almost broke my arm once, twisting it back behind me and screaming in my face that I was a fuckin’ loser and I was only in the group because they needed somebody with blonde hair. I almost started to believe you. I almost quit the group too. I figured that everyone would be happy if I wasn’t around.

That’s when suicide first started playing through my mind. It wasn’t till later, when I felt that Brain was on the same side as you that I actually attempted to kill myself. I couldn’t bare to be in either of your presence with the thought that nether of you guys wanted me around. I couldn’t mentally figure out what I did to you that was so wrong to cause such hatred. I convinced myself it must have been something physical.

I’m sorry Alex, even though you’re better now. You got yourself help and stopped drinking in such large amounts. I’m proud of you and what you’ve become. Maybe someday you can be proud of me.

Nick stopped reading when he heard someone sniffling. He glanced upwards and saw AJ’s hands covering his face. The man not much older than himself was crying. Brian walked over and put his hand on AJ’s back, tears coming down his face as well.

“I’ll stop there,” Nick said looking back at his page. “I didn’t write any more except that I’m glad he’s who he is and I wouldn’t change anything about him.”
He looked back towards his doctor, receiving a nod and appreciated smile. “Go ahead and continue.”
“I saved Kevin’s for last. I’m sure you’ll like this one the most,” Nick said with a deep breath.

Kevin, my big brother.
Because you were overprotective, I stayed in my hotel room, went to bed early and seemed to keep my head on straight when girls screamed at us wherever we were.

Because you were there, you kept me sane, talked to me when I needed an explanation and made everything seem right again.

Because you let me sleep in your bunk, I was no longer scared of the dark, made a secret with myself that someday I’d be just like you and realized you really did care about me.

Because you talked to me, I respected you for the older man you were, understood more about things than I could ever imagine and grew from your knowledge.

Because you allowed me to be who I really am, I appreciated everything you did for me, loved you more than I could imagine and wished that you’d stop treating me like a “little boy”.

Because you stopped calling me Nicky, I stopped looking up to you and began to look at you.

Because you stopped going out, I grew eager to spend more moments alone with you.

Because you found the girl of your dreams, my heart broke, my dreams shattered and I felt like I was left alone again.

Because you got married, I decided not to be there, went out of my way to hurt myself and never again let myself believe someday you’d care so much that things would be different.

Because you loved me even for a split second, I believe anything is possible, that someday I will find someone who’ll love me as much as I love you and then, I can be happy.

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