Dear Alex,
There is so much I want to write down and say to you. I know that sometimes I can express myself better in writing or a song then I am with words, speaking them to you on the spur of the moment and because of that I wonder if you truly know how I feel about you. How you are my world and nothing else matters but you. The three simple words, I love you, just don’t cut it any longer. This Valentine’s Day I have bought you things. Presents of boxer shorts, a new hoodie and of course, me at your service. But I want this letter to be my true gift. The one thing that touches your heart on this day and carries with you throughout the whole year – through the trials and tribulations of our relationship. When you begin to question me, or wonder if what we have is real, think of this letter, think of my words and always remember how I make you feel. I try so hard to make you feel as if you are the most important person in the world, even if it’s simply my world. The ground your feet walk upon, I kneel down and worship. You are a God in my sky, as I am a tiny ant. You bring in a new day within my life, rising life into me like the sun does to the sky. You breath life into me.

The story of my life, is very plain to read. It starts the day you came and ends the day you leave. The story of my life, begins and ends with you. The names are still the same, the story is still the truth. I was alone, you found me waiting and made me your own. I was afraid, that somehow I could never be the man that you wanted of me. You’re the story of my life, and every word is true. Each chapter sings your name, each page begins with you. It’s the story of our times, and never letting go. If I die today, I wanted you to know.

So many people bat the word love around for various reasons, usually it’s just because they want or need something. Sex, that’s usually the case. I know that we guys are the ones at fault. Yet as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that somethings shouldn’t be said unless they are meant. Saying you love someone is one of those. I find Aaron telling a girl he loves her after a few weeks and of course, she is to blind to see past his gimics. Love. Probably one of the most powerful words in the whole world. It could make or break a person, hang them by a string and wheel them in. Everybody has different ways of knowing when they are in love. The butterflies in their stomach, the constant thinking of the other person and the need to do whatever it takes to give them what they need or to make them well when they are sick. I felt those things when I was several years younger then I am now. I didn’t know what it all meant as all my previous relationships that dealt with “love” were simply lust, or even lower. Mandy, Paris, Isabelle, Tifanny, Julie…the list goes on and on. Some I feel head over heels for the girl, and she didn’t feel the same back – most times she was needing something from me and I didn’t catch on till it was too late. You know, you were there to help me heal the broken heart I had. When I compare how deeply I felt for some of them to how I feel about you, I can see the difference. They left broken hearts, you…if I lost you in any way, I would die. You keep my heart beating. You are the air that I breathe. You are my shade on sunny days and the warm blanket I need when the snow is blowing outside the window. I can’t go on without you. Looking back at when our career first started, we formed a bond that would grow till it finally blossomed and bloomed into this beautiful thing we now call love. We were the young kids, leaning on each other as we grew up in the spotlight. You had your mom there to help guide you but it wasn’t enough. You were your own person and decided to try things, make the wrong kind of friends and wrap yourself up in a situation you didn’t deserve. I had a messed up family where instead of being concerned with my well being, they worried more about the paycheck they’d get. We’ve made it through it all, suffered along the way but know who we are now – still leaning on each other to survive the curve balls that life throws at us. I would take away every bad thing that had ever happened in your life if I could, you know that. Deep down I know it isn’t right though. All the stuff that you have witnessed or been apart of makes you the man I love with all of my heart. Just the thought though that you had to suffer, that you were ever in pain, makes my heart ache like you wouldn’t believe. At times I think about the substance abuse you went through. I keep asking myself why didn’t I try to help you sooner, why didn’t I do this or that. After having gone through my own drug abuse, I can see how you get wrapped up in it – how outside people don’t matter and you do what you want, what will get you through the day. We don’t need that shit any more. We have each other. Yet if one of us falls off the track, we have the other to pick us back up. I failed to do that a few weeks ago. You needed me and I got more wrapped up in being worried that you were hiding from me then realizing I should be helping you. I guess any little indication that I might lose you scares the shit out of me. I can’t lose you, not to drugs and alcohol or to some Playboy pinup.

Won’t you let me catch your fall? Won’t you let me lend a hand? Those lonely eyes have seen it all, but love’s too blind to understand. Cause you don’t know what you have till your everything is gone. You need someone to show you how to live again. I wanna be there when you’re feeling high. I wanna be there when you wanna die. I’m gonna light your fire, gonna fuel your fame. I’m gonna be there when you go insane. I wanna be there when you’re feeling down. And I’ll be there when you’re head is spinnin round. Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend. I wanna be there till the end.

I watched Seven Pounds the other night. The movie is a tad bit unrealistic but it got me thinking. I don’t know if you have seen the movie and I don’t want to ruin it for you. Basically, he has a car accident that kills seven people. So in turn, he finds seven people whom he will change their course of their lives in some way shape or form. I won’t go on any further but it did make me think about you, how and what I’d do for you to improve your life even if it was to take my own. That draws me to the book I read a year or so ago. It has a movie as well. I don’t know if you have heard of them. What Dreams May Come. Robin Williams is the main guy in the movie. He dies and goes to his heaven. His wife can’t take it and ends up killing herself. People who kill themselves don’t go to the same heaven. They basically go to hell, their thoughts keep putting themselves down and they are in this depressive state where they don’t realize who they are, where they’re at, etc. Well he learns this and decides he is going to go get her. It’s virtually impossible because if he goes down to her level, he’ll start thinking the negative thoughts and get wrapped up in that hell forever. He decides to risk it any way and goes for his wife. He believes that he can get her to realize who he is, snap out of her depression and save her before he gets stuck there. So he travels across an ocean of spirits and finally finds her. It takes awhile to get through to her, basically he gave his farewell speech because he could feel himself slipping into her world. He continued to talk to her even when he knew she wasn’t going to respond and he went until he couldn’t go any more, talking to her and telling her he loved her. He did a thank you letter, sort of. It was a speech but it is something I want to do for you. It won’t be like theirs, dealing with kids and what not but hopefully still as meaningful.

It’s hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes. There’s no one here, but you and me and a broken old street light. Lock the doors, leave the world outside. All I’ve got to give to you are these five words tonight. Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes when I couldn’t see, for parting my lips when I couldn’t breathe. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you Alex for taking the time in our early years to truly get to know who I am. Many people looked at me as a snot nosed kid who didn’t have a clue with what the world held. You were my friend from the start and believed in my talent and my involvement within the group. There were times that you picked on me but that was expected at our age. Your actions of proving that you were genuine with your friendship kept me from leaving the group, returning home and crying that nobody liked me.

Thank you for being a role model. You may not think so but you were. Not just for me but for others that will probably never get the chance to say their thanks. Surely we know that I was closer to Brian but I didn’t look up to him. He was a friend, someone similar to me. You were the cool guy that others want to be. You showed me how to live, not worry about what my parents thought and you allowed me to make mistakes so I could learn along the way. I know you didn’t always appreciate the “baby” cramping your style when you were trying to pick up girls but you were never mad at me for very long.

Thank you for becoming my best friend. Life decided to head down a different path and it was dark and cloudy. I hated Leighanne for such a long time over a petty idea that she stole Brian from me. You invited me home for the holidays and basically talked some sense into me. I love her now, like I love my sisters and I know how selfish I was back then to think I could keep Brian all to myself. The whole situation is thankfully over, I didn’t lose any friends but I was able to say that I had found a best friend in you. Someone I could trust and tell my secrets to. You had Howie from beginning but it was a relief that I could make a connection with you as well.

Thank you Alex for growing with me. I don’t think I could have made it all these years if everybody had already grown up. I needed someone who was going through things as I was, someone who could relate. We went through so much together, learning how it was to be growing up in front of the camera. We could talk about things that happened and share stories about girls coming back with us to the hotel. I couldn’t ever do that really with Brian since he was like an Angel from God or something. He was so perfect that it drove me nuts from time to time. I know he had his share of mischief but it was never like us.

Thank you for always looking out for me. There were times I didn’t always know what to do, especially when at a company party or nightclub. You were always willing to show me the ropes or snatch me at the last minute before I got myself in trouble. When I would come back to the hotel drunk, you were the first to find me and help get me sobered up before management found out that underage Nicky was intoxicated. Now you take care of meetings for me, clean up my dirty clothes and made the bed. You take care of me when I’m sick and attempt to lift my spirits if I’m in a bad mood.

Thank you for making your mistakes. I learned more than you probably will ever know from watching you. As I began to realize my feelings for you, I started to learn what it was like to care about someone as deeply as I do for you. I watched you fall over and over again, stumbling with your drugs and alcohol. I learned what it was like to be in emotional pain. My heart ached so bad because there was nothing I could do to save you. I grasped the idea of what it felt like to be in someone else’s shoes. I wasn’t the one hurting, I was the one being hurt. For awhile, it helped me keep my head about water.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. From the moment I met you until now, you have never pushed me away. You allowed me to witness bits and pieces of yourself that you never showed another person. Now that we are moving towards sharing one life, I have even more reason to thank you. You have opened up to me, allowed me and I can’t thank you enough. I want my life to be yours and vice versa. Intertwine them so people get them confused. We are one person who share everything and that is all anybody should be concerned with.

Thank you for loving me. You love the good and the bad that comes along with me. You make me whole with your love, you keep me going with each new day. Your love keeps me alive when I don’t think I can go any longer. The daily grind of life brings me down, thinking of your love lifts my spirits. Your love heals my soul in ways I can’t even begin to describe.

Thank you for being you. For being the man who can make me grin just by looking at me from across the room. The man who holds my heart and does so with gentle hands. You are amazing both inside and out. Your so warm and charming with your ability to make anybody laugh or feel as if they are on top of the world. You don’t care about making some sort of fashion statement, you do what you like and don’t listen to people telling you how to live your life. You know you have made mistakes and realize you will make more along the journey of life, but you don’t let that stop you from living. Your hair may be going but your sense of humor keeps it from being a factor. Your intelligence is extremely sexy. Those brown eyes makes everybody melt. Yet I love to look deep into them, having them stare back into mine and allowing me to see you. Your smile is gorgeous and always contagious. Your scruffy beard makes me weak in the knees. Your body, your tattoos, everything about you is priceless. You love when you need to love and you’re silly with me as if we’re back to being teenagers. There’s not a single thing about you I’d change, I love the whole package. Someone may come along and say you are alright, not bad to look at but in my eyes, you are perfection.

Thank you for the future. We will go through this life together with arguments and disagreements about who’s turn it is to do the dishes. We’ll make love whenever the mood strikes and fight just to let off steam. We’ll see the world twice over and maybe adopt a whole little of puppies. We’ll buy a house together and maybe have children. We might even get married. Who knows what life has in store for us. I know that the worst can happen and it won’t matter as long as I have you there at my side. We’ll help each other through, we’ll make each other laugh and we’ll cry on each other’s shoulders. You are all I need.

Thank you for everything, good and bad. I love you now, and I’ll love you forever.

Truly yours,
Nickolas

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