Aaron remembered the last time he saw his older brother as his older brother. It was during one of those awkward adolescent changes. Aaron wanted to be left alone when all his brother wanted to do was hang around him.
When he looks back on it now, Aaron finds the situation somewhat ironic. Isn’t it usually the younger sibling wanting to tag along with the older?
“Whatcha up to there AC?” Nick asked flopping down on the couch next to his brother.
Aaron groaned, his eyes shifting from the magazine he was reading towards Nick. “Nothing.”
After giving Nick a look that meant ‘leave or die’, he went back to reading the overly interesting article about which skate park in the US was rated best among young teenagers.

Nick looked at Aaron curiously, trying to figure out what in the world that look meant. But after giving it a few minutes, he couldn’t decide and just laughed, pushing at Aaron’s shoulder. “Come on. Want to go do something?”

“No.” The tone in Aaron’s voice was flat, he wanted to be left alone.

“Why not?” Nick asked. He had planned to spend nearly a month and a half with his baby brother, on tour and just hanging out. He missed the little pest and wanted to get to know him again since it seemed since AC had entered show biz neither ever had any free time.

“Because Nick!” Aaron slammed, startling his older brother. “I don’t want to. I have things to do.”

Nick watched wide eyed as his little brother stood up off of the couch and left the room, slamming the door as he left. Letting out a sigh, Nick ran his left hand through his semi short blonde hair. He wanted to know what was wrong with his brother, but had the feeling that he wasn’t wanted.

Glancing around the room, Nick saw a stack of Aaron’s magazines on the nearby table. Climbing to his feet, Nick moseyed on over there and picked up one. ‘Skater’s Digest, since when was AC a skater?’ Nick thought as he flipped through a few pages but ended up tossing it aside in disgust. Nick never understood why people get kicks out of standing on a piece of thin wood with wheels.

Finally getting to the bottom of the pile, Nick spotted a thin spiral notebook. It was black in color with some eraser markings around the edges. Wondering what it was, Nick opened it carefully. The first page was scribbled in Aaron’s writing, description words filled the page and Nick wondered what their meaning was.

“Nick what the hell are you doing?!”

Jumping in surprise, Nick quickly shut the book and turned to see his brother standing near the couch they had both just been sitting on.

“What are you doing?” Aaron repeated walking closer. He saw his brother’s hand resting on top of his notebook and his face seemed to redden with anger.
“Get the fuck out of my hotel room. I told you not to touch anything!”

Nick didn’t move. He just stared at his brother getting closer to him.

“Fuck, are you stupid or something? Get the fuck out of my room. I don’t want you here. I don’t even know why you are on this tour. This is MY tour…with MY fans!” Aaron continued to shout, pointing towards the door. “Get the fuck out!”

Putting up his hands, Nick moved sideways towards the door. He didn’t know what Aaron would have done if he didn’t leave. Guessing that something important was written inside of that notebook, Nick felt as if he had worn out his welcome.

As soon as Nick left the bedroom, Aaron grabbed his newly purchased coke and his notebook. He walked out onto the balcony and sat down, staring at the city below.

The next morning, Aaron woke up to the pounding of a large fist on his door. He coughed lightly and realized he had fallen asleep on the balcony. He grabbed his things and walked inside. Figuring it was Nick, Aaron planned a quick apology as he made it to the door.
Opening it rather quickly, the smile on Aaron’s face faded as he saw his body guard standing there.
“What’s the matter Aaron?” Scott chuckled, rustling the young boy’s hair.

“Nothing,” Aaron replied shaking his head to let his blonde hair fall back into place.

“Any ways, I came to wake you up. It’s breakfast time,” Scott said with a concerned look, watching Aaron nod and turn back into his room.

“I’ll be down after my shower,” Aaron replied before closing the door.

After taking a quick shower, Aaron changed into a white t-shirt and a pair of baggy khaki carpenter pants. He spiked his hair slightly and ran out into the hallway and towards the elevator. He hoped Nick would still be down there eating, then he could get the chance to apologize after last night.

With his heart racing a mile a minute, Aaron walked into the dining area of the hotel. His eyes scanned the entire room and saw familiar dancers and other production crew members but not his brother.

“Hey Scott,” Aaron said walking up to his body guard. He sat down in the empty seat beside the man and asked, “Have you seen my brother?”

Scott shook his head and finished swallowing the mouthful he had. “Your mom took him to the airport this morning. He said something about needing to take care of somethings and not feeling like being here was right, it was your show and he felt he was hogging the spotlight.”

“What?” Aaron gasped. ‘Fuck fuck fuck.’

Scott shrugged and continued eating, letting Aaron get up and walk out of the room in a fit of confusion.

‘How could Nick just leave like that?’ Aaron asked as he ran up the stairs towards the fourth floor, wanting to get to his notebook as soon as possible.

Months went by and Nick hadn’t returned any of Aaron’s phone calls. Jane hadn’t heard more than a word from her eldest son and was beginning to worry, it seemed every day Aaron would come into her room and ask if Nick had called.

Brian would leave word on Aaron’s voice mail, knowing that the young boy was always curious as to what his older brother was up to. Yet he still couldn’t seem to talk Nick into calling.

Nick seemed to be slipping from the whole Carter family, not bothering to talk to any of them no matter how many times a day they called.

The Backstreet world tour had recently ended and Nick was headed home. He needed this time alone, and the next three months were completely his. After paying the taxi driver, Nick grabbed his suit cases and walked to the front door of his Tampa Bay home. Everything was so quiet, and it made Nick smile.

Upon entering his house, Nick was engulfed in the still air. Not even his dogs were home to welcome him. He dropped his bags in the only empty corner of his bedroom and walked towards the living room. Flipping on the radio, Nick sat down on the overstuffed couch and leaned back, letting his head fall on the back.

He began to think. Think of his family, mostly his little brother he seemed to be ignoring and of his Backstreet family. He loved all of them but it seemed at this point in his life none of them seemed to love him as much in return. Letting out a sigh, Nick stood up and walked into the kitchen. He pulled out a notepad and began to make a list of things he needed from the store.

Aaron pulled out his discman and pulled in the headphones. He hadn’t decided if this trip to Florida would be such a hot idea, but knew he had to do it now before it was to late. The fact was he missed his brother. He missed everything about him. The music started to play and Aaron was lost in thoughts of his older brother. ‘I have to tell him,’ Aaron thought as he closed his eyes, the plane starting it’s ascend from the runway. ‘There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. There goes my hero. He’s ordinary.’

Kicking the door open with his foot, Nick carefully balanced two full bags of groceries in his arms and walked quickly into the kitchen. He dropped the bags on the counter before walking back out of the open door to get the rest. On his way home from the local grocery store, Nick picked up his two pugs, Mikey and Houstan. He hated being completely alone in his house, especially at night.
“Come on you two silly doggies,” Nick laughed holding the door open with his elbow till the two small dogs ran into the house. He let the door close by itself as he walked back into the kitchen.
Nick sang to himself as he put all the groceries away, hoping to keep his mind clear of everything that had been troubling him the last few weeks of the BSB tour. He opened a can of dog food and dumped it into the pugs’ dish before turning off the kitchen light.
Darkness. It had become Nick’s best friend and he sighed in it’s content.
He moved swiftly in the darkness and soon found himself in his bedroom. Flipping on a small lamp, Nick walked into his private bathroom. He looked around, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Sure there were a few cob webs but that was expected. Nobody had been in his house for months.

Nick leaned on the counter, searching for the plug in cord for his portable radio. Finally finding it, he plugged it in and hit the power switch. After he found a local college radio station, he moved towards the shower. He grabbed the handle closest to him and turned it on full blast. As the room started filling up with steam, Nick kicked off his shoes. He stumbled his way over his own feet towards one of the rows of drawers.

‘Don’t the best of them bleed it out.’ Nick looked at the razor in his hand. The radio playing in the background, filling the room with noise. He loved the sharpness of the blade and let his hand hold the plastic handle carefully.

Using his free hand, Nick wiped the condensation off of the mirror and smiled at himself. He had only a towel wrapped around his body, the idea of taking a shower still playing through his mind. He shook the can of shaving cream, applying it to his face gently and then raising the blade to his skin. Slow gentle strokes removed the visible hair from his face. But on the last clean up sweep, Nick felt the sharp sting of pain. It was almost like a paper cut but with a different intensity.

Tipping his head up, Nick saw the small trail of blood smearing it’s way down his throat. The sight had caught Nick’s undivided attention and he wanted to see more. Almost in a daze, Nick wondered what it’d be like to see the cool, dark redness flowing from his wrists. Maybe his emotional pain would be forgotten once physical took over.

He pressed the three blades connected by thin plastic to his wrist, his teeth biting apprehensively onto his lower lip. This would hurt, he knew that much but he wanted to stop remembering everything. Everything he wanted to stop hurting him. The months on tour had given him some needed time to keep busy but during the nights when he was alone in his hotel room he would think of Aaron’s harsh words.

The blades were pressed harder against his flesh, the sickening sound of skin breaking filled his ears.
“Aah!” Nick cried out in a rushed sigh as the blood started to seep out of his wounds. ‘It’ll all be over soon,’ He thought not realizing that death would never end, it wasn’t the temporary fix he wanted.

Aaron landed at the airport and quickly found a taxi that would take a fourteen year old wherever he wanted to go. He gave the address and sat back against the fake leather back seat. He stared out the window, memorizing the familiar scenery once again. This was going to work, or so he had hoped that morning at breakfast. He didn’t tell his mom, or his body guard that he’d be making an unexpected trip to Florida that afternoon. They’d find out he was missing soon enough.
“Son, we’re here,” The driver said taking on the bullet proof glass separating the two.
Aaron lifted his head and nodded quickly. He shoved a couple twenty dollar bills through the small slit in the window, grabbed his things and climbed out of the vehicle. Sighing to himself, he went up to the rot iron gate and began to punch in the security code he knew would never change.

The gate began to open and Aaron squeezed his little body through the small gap. He ran up to the front door and hit the door bell. When there was no answer, he hit it again. Still no answer. ‘Hmmm,’ He thought. ‘That’s funny.’

He reached out and put his hand on the doorknob. Twisting his hand slightly, Aaron was relieved to find the door unlocked. He stepped inside and greeted the small dogs quietly before putting his things down near the couch. Standing motionless in the room, Aaron could hear the soft faint of a radio playing. He began to walk down the hallway and towards the bedroom. Pushing open the door, the music got louder. He stepped inside and moved towards the open bathroom door. Then he could make out the soft murmured whispers and his eyes looked down at the light colored tiled floor.

“Oh sweet Jesus,” Aaron gasped falling to his knees. He began crawling towards the limp body and called out his brother’s name. “Nick! Nick talk to me!”

‘There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes.’ Aaron shook his head stubbornly as he pulled his brother into his arms. He threw the razor towards the shower stall and put his hand over the wounded wrist. That’s when he began to cry.

“Nick…” Aaron said again, his voice racked with a horrible sob. He pressed his face against his big brother’s head, taking in the sweet smell of his coconut shampoo. “Please.”

“Aaron,” Nick whispered faintly. His eyes opened slowly and saw a pair of blue tear stained eyes looking down at him.

“You’re alive?!” Aaron stuttered, hugging onto Nick’s body a little tighter. “I have to call 911! I have to get you some help…”

Nick merely shook his head. “I can’t,” He finally whispered.

“What?” Aaron questioned in a demeaning tone. “Why not?”

“They’ll put me in some hospital. They’ll think I’m suicidal,” Nick said with another shake of his head.

“Isn’t that the truth?” Aaron asked softly, his hand still holding tightly onto Nick’s bleeding wrist.

Nick blinked his eyes slowly and whispered, “I just wanted to forget. I didn‘t want to kill myself.”

Aaron stared at his brother for a few more moments, his hand completely covered in blood. “I’ll take care of you,” He finally announced sitting Nick up so he was leaning against the cupboard.

Nick watched his brother walk over to the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bunch of needed items. The young boy walked back over and took out one of the anesthetic wipes. He cleaned the blood off of Nick’s arm before he took the gauze and wrapped it tightly around the bleeding cut.

“With the pressure…it should stop bleeding soon,” Aaron whispered. He looked at his brother’s eyes and watched them fill up with tears. Moving around, Aaron replaced the cupboard with his body and held Nick tightly in his arms. “You’re gonna be ok,” He whispered in Nick’s ear.

Nick burst into tears, shaking his head slightly. “I’m so sorry,” He sobbed looking down at his hands.

“Don’t be sorry,” Aaron whispered, kissing the top of Nick’s head as he continued to hold onto him.

“I never wanted you to hate me,” Nick whispered sniffling between each word. He used his fingers to push away the tears.

Aaron shook his head and kissed the side of Nick’s head again. “I never hated you.”

“You did,” Nick insisted leaning against Aaron’s small body more.

“I’ve always loved you Nick,” Aaron said in a soft whisper kissing over his brother’s head some more. “I’ve loved you so much.”

“No,” Nick cried shaking his head back and forth. He sat forward and turned his head to look at Aaron. “You hated me…you pushed me away and didn’t want me around.”

Aaron began to cry tears of his own, and desperately reached out placing his hands on Nick’s cheeks. Looking directly into the matching blue eyes, Aaron whispered, “I was only scared Nick.”

“Why? Where you scared of me? Was it something I did?”

Shaking his head, Aaron wished that Nick would just realize what he was saying. “I was scared of what you’d think once you found out,” He finally said feeling his brother’s eyes watching him carefully. Aaron’s hands dropped from holding Nick’s face and the young boy pulled his knees up to his chest, holding them tightly with his arms.

“Found out what?” Nick asked softly, his tears almost vanished.

Aaron lifted his eyes and stared at Nick for a few moments before he took a deep breath. He thought about all his writings in that spiral Nick was so close to reading, and how many times he had planned on saying this. But finally he just let himself go, willing to take the aftermath in stride. “I’m in love with you.”

Nick struggled to make out what Aaron had just announced. “What?” He asked in a stuttering voice. “You’re in…in love…with me?!”

Aaron simply nodded his head, unable to read the emotions written across his brother’s face.

“You’re not serious?” Nick asked breaking into a smile. He watched Aaron carefully, the young boy only nodding his head. “That’s great!”

Nick was ecstatic. This was perfect. He pulled Aaron to him, holding the small body against his. Wincing as his wrist bent forward, Nick just let his arms hold onto Aaron. This was exactly what he had been wishing for, for so long now.

“I love you too,” Nick finally said moving his face so it was inches away from Aaron’s.

He stayed away, thinking he might have scared his little brother. Nick was worried to death that Aaron knew about his secret feelings; concluding that that alone was reason enough for the boy’s actions.

Aaron smiled and leaned forward closer to Nick. Their smiles matched almost identical and Nick closed his eyes slowly, his lips touching against Aaron’s softly.

The kiss slowly grew more intense as Aaron was eager to find out what it was really like to kiss somebody. His fingers played with the long blonde locks of his brother’s hair, his young body scooting closer towards Nick’s.

“Oh man…” Nick groaned pulled away from the kiss out of breath. His head fell back and hit the cupboard with a solid thud, his eyes remaining closed.

Leaning forward again, Aaron pressed his wet swollen lips against Nick’s. His mouth soon opened allowing his brother’s wandering tongue to venture inside, teasing his tongue passionately.

In the middle of all this, Aaron felt Nick’s cock harden on the underside of his thigh. His doing the same in response. He wanted to touch him, and taste him. Moving his hands down Nick’s shoulders and along his sides, Aaron ran his hands over his brother’s crotch. He felt the cloth of the towel tighten as Nick moaned against his lips.

His fingertips reached for the end of the towel, planning on pushing it to the side and revealing Nick’s body to his eyes. Once he began to tug at the towel, Nick torturing his mouth, the phone rang.

“Shit!” Nick grumbled under his breath as their lips parted. He opened his eyes and gave Aaron an apologetic look. Aaron climbed off of his big brother’s lap and watched as Nick picked himself off of the floor and exit into the bedroom. Nick picked up the phone and said, “Hello?”

“Nick? Honey it’s your mother,” Jane said frantically. “Have you heard from your brother?”

“Yeah mom,” Nick said holding the phone with his good hand. “He’s here…with me. Why?”

“Why?!” Jane said in a loud voice. “I’ve been looking all over for him. He just ran away and nobody has seen him since early this morning. Tell him he’s in big trouble and to stay right there because I’m coming down there to get him.”

Nick didn’t get to say another word when he was met with the dial tone. “Aaron?” Nick called out, walking towards the bathroom. Aaron met him in the doorway and looked up at him in question.
“You didn’t tell me you ran away,” Nick said softly.

“I didn’t run away. I just wanted to see you,” Aaron admitted reaching for Nick’s hand. He took it in his small one and let their fingers intertwine.

“Mom’s coming down here for you,” Nick announced and sighed as Aaron began to shake his head.

Aaron let go of Nick’s hand and walked over to the large bed. He sat down on the edge. “I’m not going with her. She can’t just come down here and get me like that. I want to be here with you.”

“You have you’re new tour to start,” Nick reminded following him over to the bed.

“I don’t care,” Aaron said firmly not daring to look up at Nick. “I love you Nick and I don’t want to be away from you again.”

Nick nodded his head and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s body, holding him tightly. He kissed Aaron’s cheek and down the boy’s neck. “You can stay with me as long as you want,” He finally whispered, planning on talking to his mom about letting him become Aaron’s legal guardian. It’d all work out if he could take management into letting Aaron open up for them again, giving them a line of bull shit that it was a teaching experience for young Aaron.

Aaron curled up against Nick’s body, pushing his brother down onto the bed so they could lay side by side. He yawned absentmindedly and let his eyes close. “I love you so much,” He whispered not noticing his brother pull the blankets up around their bodies before he fell asleep.

Nick stayed wide awake as Aaron slept. He would brush back some of the blonde hair that fell in front of the young boy’s face and smile every time he would mumble in his sleep. Nick didn’t know what was going to happen as soon as their mother showed up. He hated the idea that he could spend another few long lonely months without seeing his brother. Pushing the towel off the side of the bed, Nick spooned his naked body up behind Aaron’s. He had his arms wrapped around Aaron’s waist and his head resting against Aaron’s as well. Sighing to himself, he smiled and let himself fall asleep.

Waking to the sound of someone pounding on his front door, Nick grumbled in his sleep and looked over at the clock. It was a little after seven in the evening.
“Come on Aaron…wake up,” Nick coaxed. “Mom’s here!”

Aaron whined in his sleep, asking for five more minutes. But when he felt Nick’s body on top of his, those lips kissing over his face, Aaron woke up.
“Hmmm,” He moaned softly lips his hips up to rub against Nick’s.

“Now don’t do that,” Nick laughed. “Mom wouldn’t appreciated it if I answered the door all aroused in the nude.”

“No but I would,” Aaron whispered realizing then that his brother was naked, and on top of him.

Nick smiled and leaned down, kissing Aaron’s lips quickly before he climbed off of the bed and walked over to his dresser. He opened up the top drawer and pulled on a pair of sweat pants. Finding a long sleeved shirt, Nick slipped it on and made shirt it covered his wrist.

“Better get up and look presentable,” Nick teased before he walked out of the room and headed towards the front door.

“Hey momma!” Nick greeted as soon as he felt his mother pull him into her arms for a hug. He was careful not to let his wrist touch her, in hopes the horrible pain wouldn‘t come racing back. “I know I know. Long time no see.”

Jane chatted with Nick briefly before she asked where Aaron was. Pointing to the bedroom, Nick said he had crashed in there not long after he had arrived. Nick watched as Jane stormed into the bedroom, the door slamming hard after her. Screaming could be heard and Nick cringed at the idea of his brother in there listening to all of that face to face. The door finally opened and Nick watched Jane walk out with Aaron following close behind. Nick tried to catch Aaron’s glance but the boy was staring down at the ground.

“Sorry about barging down here like this Nicky,” Jane said walking up to her eldest son. “I know you just got home not to long ago from tour. I wish you’d call me or something. I talked to Brian and he seems to think you are going through somethings…and just want to be left alone.”

Nick shook his head and looked at his mom blankly. “Aaron called me and asked if he could come visit,” He said coming up with a quick lie, hoping to cover for his brother. “I told him he could stay as long as he wanted.”

Jane blinked her eyes slowly, looking from Nick back to Aaron. She didn’t know what to think. It seemed that two different stories were floating around. Finally she shook her head no and grabbed Aaron’s arm. “He needs to come home Nick. He has thinks to take care of. Besides he knows better than to just take off like this without letting anybody know,” She said walking for the door, dragging Aaron behind her.

“Mom, wait!” Nick called out desperately. He didn’t want to see Aaron go, not so soon after they had declared their love. “I…I promised I’d take him to Busch Gardens tomorrow. At least let me take him and I’ll bring him home right afterwards, promise.”

Catching Aaron’s eye, Nick winked discreetly and looked back up at Jane with pleading eyes. Jane looked at Nick and then back at Aaron. Aaron seemed to be begging right along with Nick and Jane sighed. Right when Nick figured they had her, she shook her head no once again.

“Aaron needs to come home,” Jane said stubbornly. “He can’t go out and have fun after he ran off like this.”

Aaron’s face fell and he looked back at his brother, mouthing the words I love you before he felt his mother pull him towards the door.

“Can I at least say good bye?” Nick asked watching as Jane stopped in the doorway. She turned and looked back at Nick standing there in only a pair of faded sweat pants and long sleeved shirt. Letting go of Aaron’s arm, Jane said he had a few minutes before he was to meet her in the waiting taxi out front.

As soon as Jane was out of sight, Aaron ran towards Nick and wrapped his arms around his brother’s neck. “Why won’t she let me stay?” He asked holding onto Nick tightly.

“Cause you ran away without telling her where you were going,” Nick whispered kissing the side of Aaron’s face as he picked the little boy up into his arms. “She said you’re in trouble.”

“I don’t want to leave…” Aaron said looking directly into Nick’s eyes. “I want to be with you. I love you Nick.”

“I love you too,” Nick said sadly. “But I promise I’ll come visit you as soon as I can ok?”

Aaron nodded his head quickly, smiling slightly and then leaning forward, smashing his lips against his brothers. They kissed for what seemed like hours before Nick pulled back, his tongue licking over his swollen lips.

“Now don’t tell momma about us…you don’t know what she’d do,” Nick whispered quickly kissing Aaron one last time before putting him down on his feet.

They looked at each other for several minutes before the faint sound of a car honking could be heard.

“You better get going,” Nick said with a lopsided smile. Aaron nodded his head, agreeing. Slowly he started backing up towards the door, his eyes never leaving Nick’s. Eventually though, he said one last I love you and a sweet good bye before turning and walking out to the taxi. Climbing inside, Aaron rested his head against the cool glass window and watched his brother’s house disappear.

“You’ll see him soon enough,” Jane said watching as Aaron stared at Nick’s house while they drove away. She knew how much the brothers missed being around each other, but she never understood the depth of their love.

He could almost picture Nick sitting down on his couch, bare feet pulled up as he crossed his legs. Nick was no longer just his older brother, no not any more. He was more than that. He was turning into his best friend, his hero, his lover and the person he wanted to be with always. And Aaron was so thankful for that.

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