The story of my life, is very plain to read. It starts the day you came and ends the day you leave. The story of my life, begins and ends with you. The names are still the same, the story is still the truth. I was alone, you found me waiting and made me your own. I was afraid, that somehow I could never be the man that you wanted of me. You’re the story of my life, and every word is true. Each chapter sings your name, each page begins with you. It’s the story of our times, and never letting go. If I die today, I wanted you to know.

So many people bat the word love around for various reasons, usually it’s just because they want or need something. Sex, that’s usually the case. I know that we guys are the ones at fault. Yet as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that somethings shouldn’t be said unless they are meant. Saying you love someone is one of those. I find Aaron telling a girl he loves her after a few weeks and of course, she is to blind to see past his gimics. Love. Probably one of the most powerful words in the whole world. It could make or break a person, hang them by a string and wheel them in. Everybody has different ways of knowing when they are in love. The butterflies in their stomach, the constant thinking of the other person and the need to do whatever it takes to give them what they need or to make them well when they are sick. I felt those things when I was several years younger then I am now. I didn’t know what it all meant as all my previous relationships that dealt with “love” were simply lust, or even lower. Mandy, Paris, Isabelle, Tifanny, Julie…the list goes on and on. Some I feel head over heels for the girl, and she didn’t feel the same back – most times she was needing something from me and I didn’t catch on till it was too late. You know, you were there to help me heal the broken heart I had. When I compare how deeply I felt for some of them to how I feel about you, I can see the difference. They left broken hearts, you…if I lost you in any way, I would die. You keep my heart beating. You are the air that I breathe. You are my shade on sunny days and the warm blanket I need when the snow is blowing outside the window. I can’t go on without you. Looking back at when our career first started, we formed a bond that would grow till it finally blossomed and bloomed into this beautiful thing we now call love. We were the young kids, leaning on each other as we grew up in the spotlight. You had your mom there to help guide you but it wasn’t enough. You were your own person and decided to try things, make the wrong kind of friends and wrap yourself up in a situation you didn’t deserve. I had a messed up family where instead of being concerned with my well being, they worried more about the paycheck they’d get. We’ve made it through it all, suffered along the way but know who we are now – still leaning on each other to survive the curve balls that life throws at us. I would take away every bad thing that had ever happened in your life if I could, you know that. Deep down I know it isn’t right though. All the stuff that you have witnessed or been apart of makes you the man I love with all of my heart. Just the thought though that you had to suffer, that you were ever in pain, makes my heart ache like you wouldn’t believe. At times I think about the substance abuse you went through. I keep asking myself why didn’t I try to help you sooner, why didn’t I do this or that. After having gone through my own drug abuse, I can see how you get wrapped up in it – how outside people don’t matter and you do what you want, what will get you through the day. We don’t need that shit any more. We have each other. Yet if one of us falls off the track, we have the other to pick us back up. I failed to do that a few weeks ago. You needed me and I got more wrapped up in being worried that you were hiding from me then realizing I should be helping you. I guess any little indication that I might lose you scares the shit out of me. I can’t lose you, not to drugs and alcohol or to some Playboy pinup.

Won’t you let me catch your fall? Won’t you let me lend a hand? Those lonely eyes have seen it all, but love’s too blind to understand. Cause you don’t know what you have till your everything is gone. You need someone to show you how to live again. I wanna be there when you’re feeling high. I wanna be there when you wanna die. I’m gonna light your fire, gonna fuel your fame. I’m gonna be there when you go insane. I wanna be there when you’re feeling down. And I’ll be there when you’re head is spinnin round. Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend. I wanna be there till the end.

I watched Seven Pounds the other night. The movie is a tad bit unrealistic but it got me thinking. I don’t know if you have seen the movie and I don’t want to ruin it for you. Basically, he has a car accident that kills seven people. So in turn, he finds seven people whom he will change their course of their lives in some way shape or form. I won’t go on any further but it did make me think about you, how and what I’d do for you to improve your life even if it was to take my own. That draws me to the book I read a year or so ago. It has a movie as well. I don’t know if you have heard of them. What Dreams May Come. Robin Williams is the main guy in the movie. He dies and goes to his heaven. His wife can’t take it and ends up killing herself. People who kill themselves don’t go to the same heaven. They basically go to hell, their thoughts keep putting themselves down and they are in this depressive state where they don’t realize who they are, where they’re at, etc. Well he learns this and decides he is going to go get her. It’s virtually impossible because if he goes down to her level, he’ll start thinking the negative thoughts and get wrapped up in that hell forever. He decides to risk it any way and goes for his wife. He believes that he can get her to realize who he is, snap out of her depression and save her before he gets stuck there. So he travels across an ocean of spirits and finally finds her. It takes awhile to get through to her, basically he gave his farewell speech because he could feel himself slipping into her world. He continued to talk to her even when he knew she wasn’t going to respond and he went until he couldn’t go any more, talking to her and telling her he loved her. He did a thank you letter, sort of. It was a speech but it is something I want to do for you. It won’t be like theirs, dealing with kids and what not but hopefully still as meaningful.

It’s hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes. There’s no one here, but you and me and a broken old street light. Lock the doors, leave the world outside. All I’ve got to give to you are these five words tonight. Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes when I couldn’t see, for parting my lips when I couldn’t breathe. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you Alex for taking the time in our early years to truly get to know who I am. Many people looked at me as a snot nosed kid who didn’t have a clue with what the world held. You were my friend from the start and believed in my talent and my involvement within the group. There were times that you picked on me but that was expected at our age. Your actions of proving that you were genuine with your friendship kept me from leaving the group, returning home and crying that nobody liked me.

Thank you for being a role model. You may not think so but you were. Not just for me but for others that will probably never get the chance to say their thanks. Surely we know that I was closer to Brian but I didn’t look up to him. He was a friend, someone similar to me. You were the cool guy that others want to be. You showed me how to live, not worry about what my parents thought and you allowed me to make mistakes so I could learn along the way. I know you didn’t always appreciate the “baby” cramping your style when you were trying to pick up girls but you were never mad at me for very long.

Thank you for becoming my best friend. Life decided to head down a different path and it was dark and cloudy. I hated Leighanne for such a long time over a petty idea that she stole Brian from me. You invited me home for the holidays and basically talked some sense into me. I love her now, like I love my sisters and I know how selfish I was back then to think I could keep Brian all to myself. The whole situation is thankfully over, I didn’t lose any friends but I was able to say that I had found a best friend in you. Someone I could trust and tell my secrets to. You had Howie from beginning but it was a relief that I could make a connection with you as well.

Thank you Alex for growing with me. I don’t think I could have made it all these years if everybody had already grown up. I needed someone who was going through things as I was, someone who could relate. We went through so much together, learning how it was to be growing up in front of the camera. We could talk about things that happened and share stories about girls coming back with us to the hotel. I couldn’t ever do that really with Brian since he was like an Angel from God or something. He was so perfect that it drove me nuts from time to time. I know he had his share of mischief but it was never like us.

Thank you for always looking out for me. There were times I didn’t always know what to do, especially when at a company party or nightclub. You were always willing to show me the ropes or snatch me at the last minute before I got myself in trouble. When I would come back to the hotel drunk, you were the first to find me and help get me sobered up before management found out that underage Nicky was intoxicated. Now you take care of meetings for me, clean up my dirty clothes and made the bed. You take care of me when I’m sick and attempt to lift my spirits if I’m in a bad mood.

Thank you for making your mistakes. I learned more than you probably will ever know from watching you. As I began to realize my feelings for you, I started to learn what it was like to care about someone as deeply as I do for you. I watched you fall over and over again, stumbling with your drugs and alcohol. I learned what it was like to be in emotional pain. My heart ached so bad because there was nothing I could do to save you. I grasped the idea of what it felt like to be in someone else’s shoes. I wasn’t the one hurting, I was the one being hurt. For awhile, it helped me keep my head about water.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. From the moment I met you until now, you have never pushed me away. You allowed me to witness bits and pieces of yourself that you never showed another person. Now that we are moving towards sharing one life, I have even more reason to thank you. You have opened up to me, allowed me and I can’t thank you enough. I want my life to be yours and vice versa. Intertwine them so people get them confused. We are one person who share everything and that is all anybody should be concerned with.

Thank you for loving me. You love the good and the bad that comes along with me. You make me whole with your love, you keep me going with each new day. Your love keeps me alive when I don’t think I can go any longer. The daily grind of life brings me down, thinking of your love lifts my spirits. Your love heals my soul in ways I can’t even begin to describe.

Thank you for being you. For being the man who can make me grin just by looking at me from across the room. The man who holds my heart and does so with gentle hands. You are amazing both inside and out. Your so warm and charming with your ability to make anybody laugh or feel as if they are on top of the world. You don’t care about making some sort of fashion statement, you do what you like and don’t listen to people telling you how to live your life. You know you have made mistakes and realize you will make more along the journey of life, but you don’t let that stop you from living. Your hair may be going but your sense of humor keeps it from being a factor. Your intelligence is extremely sexy. Those brown eyes makes everybody melt. Yet I love to look deep into them, having them stare back into mine and allowing me to see you. Your smile is gorgeous and always contagious. Your scruffy beard makes me weak in the knees. Your body, your tattoos, everything about you is priceless. You love when you need to love and you’re silly with me as if we’re back to being teenagers. There’s not a single thing about you I’d change, I love the whole package. Someone may come along and say you are alright, not bad to look at but in my eyes, you are perfection.

Thank you for the future. We will go through this life together with arguments and disagreements about who’s turn it is to do the dishes. We’ll make love whenever the mood strikes and fight just to let off steam. We’ll see the world twice over and maybe adopt a whole little of puppies. We’ll buy a house together and maybe have children. We might even get married. Who knows what life has in store for us. I know that the worst can happen and it won’t matter as long as I have you there at my side. We’ll help each other through, we’ll make each other laugh and we’ll cry on each other’s shoulders. You are all I need.

Thank you for everything, good and bad. I love you now, and I’ll love you forever.

Truly yours,
Nickolas

The old man stepped off of the elevator and waved to the charge nurses behind the desk. They greeted him and gave him a warm smile. No matter which shift it was, the nurses were always happy to see the old man and vice versa. He shuffled down the corridor and finally turned to the door that had the numbers 528 on it. His long fingers traced the numbers for a brief second as he held his breath. Many swore he did this each day before entering so he could say a silent prayer but nobody ever questioned the old man.

Once his ritual was finished, he put his hand on the door handle and quietly pushed it open. The doctor was inside today, checking on the patient lying there in bed. Holding his breath once again, the old man froze in his spot near the door. The young doctor looked up, smiled and waved him closer. Inch by inch he went, his eyes taking in the site before him. Changes in the patient’s health was given and the doctor continued to go over a few things but the old man wasn’t really listening. His eyes were glued to that face that he had loved for so many years, and love till the end of time. When the doctor realized his words weren’t being absorbed, he put his hand on the older man’s shoulder and excused himself. He was going to go finish doing his rounds and leave the two of them alone.

He pushed the chair up closer to the bed, almost until it touched the bed. The older man had to be close to his love lying there sleeping, under so many drugs that it was sometimes days before waking to say a few words. The man was always thankful for those few brief moments. It was one of the many reasons why he spent nearly every moment of his day there, sitting beside the bed. The regret he’d feel if his love awoke to find he had gone outside for fresh air would tear him up inside. Reaching out, he ran his hand down the side of the most beautiful face he had ever seen. Even at their age, the older man saw no other like the one before him. After a few minutes, he pulled away and looked down at the book in his lap.

“I brought the pictures again,” He said out loud in a soft voice. His fingers pushed open the front cover and before him was a picture the two of them had taken nearly sixty years prior. It was in Nashville, a weekend neither would ever forget. The old man let out a sad sigh and looked back up at the lifeless body in front of him. His throat was starting to swell and close off. Tears threatened to fill up his eyes. Swallowing hard, he looked back at the scrapbook in front of him. They had worked on it together, one weekend when they had purchased their home in the Colorado Rockies. It had been a blizzard for days and yet neither one cared. All they needed was within the walls of their home.

“Do you remember that time in Nashville baby?” His voice was staggering with emotion. “The first time we kissed. I pretty much backed you up against the wall and let you have it. I was so scared of what you’d do or say but I had to. I’m so thankful that I did too. I’d go through all the nerves a million times over to kiss you again for the first time.”

He let out a light, struggled chuckle. Taking a deep breath, he let it out slow and looked down at the pictures. He flipped the page and looked back at the bed.

“The doctors don’t know how much longer we have together on this earth. I don’t want you to be scared. I don’t want you to be afraid to go forward or fighting anything. I know you’ll be stubborn and fight as long as you can so you don’t leave me. But baby, I’ll be with you again…really soon. The physical pain you feel here won’t matter. The time we’ll be apart will be a blink of an eye compared to spending eternity together.”

Tears were starting to drip down his cheeks one by one. Some how he knew this might be the last time he talked to his lover and he wanted to make sure he said all the things he needed to say.

“You know how much I love you? I know you do, even though it will always be more than you love me. I could never hate you, no matter how mad you made me. Since I first met you, we’ve had this unspeakable bond. You have given me so much love and joy, brought so much into my life that I don’t even know where to begin. Our first baby, Sadie. She was so spoiled that anybody could see she ran the whole house. Each puppy we had after that got much better, though they were all our pride and joy.”

A finger reached up to catch a few tears.

“The kids are flying in to see us in the next few days. Denise is finishing up a fashion show in Milan otherwise she would have been here a lot sooner. You’re going to be so proud of everything she’s done in the last little while. I’ll give you a hint and say that she has a new label. She named it after her daddy. It’s called Bone and has a scull for the o. It looks like stuff you used to wear baby. She gave me some pj pants, one for me and one for you. I forgot to bring it but next time I’ll make sure I don’t forget. I’ll see if the nurse can put you in them. I wore mine last night and they are pretty comfortable. Junior, he’s taking after his daddies. He has sold out shows the rest of this week in New York. He took pictures for us to see his name in the big lights in Times Square. He told me on the phone this morning before breakfast that they couldn’t fit Alexander James McLean Jr son of Backstreet Boys AJ McLean so it just says JR son of AJ from BSB. I don’t even know if people still remember who we are. Junior says they do, I guess that is a good thing in a way. Well if it helps him out. He’s really excited to take some time off and come to see us too. He’s bringing his snowboarding gear so he can go out for a few hours. Let’s just hope this weather doesn’t turn worse or else the kids won’t be able to make it. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Junior didn’t have Denise fly in to New York and they drive here in a Hummer if they have too.”

His thoughts and memories of their two children were floating his mind. The two had worked so hard to get everything approved and had dealt with a lot of negativity over the years. Eventually people began to except them and their family. Though there wasn’t anything either would to protect either of their babies. Just the idea of their children losing one of them ripped his heart to shreds.

“I wish you could see them. They are so strong, and so beautiful. Just like you. So independent, yet so caring. I swear they don’t have a mean bone in their body. We really lucked out when we had them. You’re going to be so proud when they catch you up with everything that they’ve been doing. Junior is getting into saving dolphins because of me and Denise donates all of her clothes to charities after each show. They just are…perfect. I still wish I could keep them from growing up but then I wouldn’t get to see them grow up to adults and head out into the world. I don’t know how we were able to live our lives before they entered our world.”

He wiped at his eyes and sniffled a little. Reaching over, he grabbed a tissue off of the nightstand and reached over to grab the hand that was halfway draped over the bed. He gave it a little squeeze. He was breaking down.

“I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how to live nor can I breath without you near. How can I go on each day knowing I won’t see your face? Your voice was always the only one I heard in a crowded room and if you leave me, I don’t know when I’ll hear it again. You are the one person I have known all but thirteen years of my life. You know every inch of me, every flaw, every freckle…how can I ever replace that? You are my one. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done, either for me or against. Thank you for every memory I’ve had the pleasure of sharing with you. Thank you for choosing me to be the one, the one to share my entire being with. Thank you for being who you are, for all the wrongs you’ve made and every time you allowed me to pick you up when you fell down. You never judged me or criticized me when I made mistakes. After all of your alcohol and drug abuse, you didn’t stop me for going down that path but allowed me to trip and fall – picking me up and being that shoulder when I needed it. Thank you for making me the happiest person in the world the day you married me, the day we had our children and every day since I was a thirteen year old boy with the biggest dreams imaginable. You were my chance at a happily ever after. You were the one, holding on, holding out for me. You didn’t allow me to be blind, you knew my voice and you walked out of my dreams. We were face to face – never imagining. We were sure from day one that it was real – whatever we felt, there was no turning around. Deep down we both knew how it would end before it even begin. Thank you…for being unmistakable.”

“Nick..”

The small voice snapped him to attention and he looked down at the dark brown eyes peering up at him. His hand cupped the other’s cheek and started to cry softly.

“I’m here baby,” He whispered, trying to smile. “I’m here.”

“I love you Nick.”

Nick cried some more and he nodded, sniffling loudly. “I love you more AJ….”

Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty

They walked together towards the front door. AJ picked up the last of Nick’s bags and carried them out of the door. Nick stopped and closed his front door, locking it behind him. He closed his eyes and sighed. It would be a long time before he returned home.

“Come on babe,” AJ said from his car parked in Nick’s driveway. “You’re going to be late for your flight.”
“I know,” Nick whispered walking down his front steps slowly. He casually walked towards AJ’s Durango and climbed into the passenger seat, all his luggage in the back. AJ climbed into the driver’s seat and smiled over at his lover.

“College won’t be so bad baby,” He said trying to lift Nick’s spirits.
Nick nodded his head, slouching down in his seat. “Let’s just go ok?”

AJ didn’t say anything as he started up the engine and backed out of the driveway. He knew this was going to be hard on Nick but he didn’t need attitude about it cause hell, it was hard on him too. He and Nick had been dating roughly for about two and a half years. AJ claims it was love at first sight but Nick says he only liked AJ cause he could play Nintendo to the break of dawn and not get bored. AJ was almost nineteen when he met young sixteen year old Nick. They were worried at first that someone would find out about Nick’s age, or that his parents would try to keep AJ away. But months after Nick came out to them that he was gay, he introduced AJ as his boyfriend. Nick told AJ as long as they were honest with his parents, they wouldn’t mind or try to keep them apart. And that’s exactly what they did; both Nick and AJ were honest with both sets of parents. They wanted their complete support in the relationship, both sides seeing how much in love the two young actually were.

Nick turned eighteen in the middle of his senior year of high school. With permission from his parents, he moved into AJ’s single bedroom apartment. He worked hard throughout high school, saving up enough money so he could go to college and not have to tap too much into his parent’s life savings. He didn’t play basketball like he wanted to, insisting that he spent his extra time either with AJ or working to save up for later. He was always a good kid, keeping his grades up so the scholarships started rolling in about late April to early May of his last year of high school. Nick seemed to be somewhat popular in school, but he never tried to keep a high status.

Having plenty of friends, Nick never considered any of them as a best friend. Not like he considered AJ.

When prom rolled around, no one was surprised that Nick asked AJ to go with him. The couple seemed well known throughout the large high school, people and teachers remembering AJ from when he attended. AJ seemed to be in a different lime light then Nick when it came to school. He liked to cut class, and barely turned in enough work to make sure he passed. He didn’t party or stay out late drinking with ‘the guys’. AJ just would rather spend his time doing something else, something more productive as he saw it. He liked the art of music, whether he was making it, singing it, writing it or just listening. His apartment was set up with the best sound system known to man, or so AJ would always claim. He landed a job right after he graduated at a small recording studio in Orlando. He started out dubbing records for the no named artists that were signed at the label under contract by the studio. After putting in a good three years of work, AJ is now one of the main agents. He speaks on behave of the company to larger labels and tells them why they should give a local band or artist a shot in the mainstream music industry.

That’s how he met Nick. Not because Nick was an artist, he was more into paintings and drawing not the music spectrum. Nick was there on assignment from his art design teacher. She wanted a scene painted that in which someone looks like they are working hard, but enjoying every moment of it. Nick couldn’t think of any other occupation where you need to work hard, yet continue to have fun at the same time other than a pro athletic. Since he wasn’t really into sports, Nick tried the recording studio. His eyes fell upon AJ working on a speech he was to present to a board of executives the next day. Nick gained permission to paint him working, and he fell in love with AJ’s physical features. Being the extremely shy type, Nick finished up his work and went to leave. That’s when AJ stopped him. He had noticed the stares Nick was giving him, and didn’t want to let an opportunity such as this pass him by.

They began dating casually soon after that visit, Nick stopping by every day after school on his way to work to be with AJ on his afternoon breaks. AJ let Nick in on all the secrets of the biz, even singing a few songs in the sound proof recording room. Nick was excited, as it was whenever an artist was in there and he got to watch.

It was about a month or so after they met that AJ proposed the idea that they date exclusively. He was a little afraid of what Nick would say, since the entire gay scene was new to him but he accepted it whole-heartedly. Nick lost his virginity to AJ two weeks later.

AJ had made sure that night was special, but he had never anticipated it would be the night he would first spend with Nick. It was then that AJ realized he would love Nick forever, no matter what else happened.

Nick’s eighteen birthday was spent on a small yacht that AJ’s father owned. He talked him into letting him borrow it, his life on the line if he didn’t return it unharmed and in one piece. The two spent the night under the stars, champagne at their sides. It was then that AJ asked Nick to move in with him. They had talked about it before but this time AJ was serious. He didn’t really want to take no for an answer but he understood the closeness between Nick and his family. But without thinking twice, Nick agreed. He didn’t want to spend any more time away from AJ than he had to.

Their two year anniversary was difficult to say the least. AJ was in New York City on a business trip, and Nick was at home studying for mid semester finals. They talked on the phone for about an hour, telling each other how much they loved each other. AJ promised over and over that he would make it up to Nick. They had the weekend planned but then at the last minute AJ’s boss pulled him into a meeting and told him he had to fly to New York. He knew Nick didn’t want him to go, but of course Nick would never say that. He understood how much AJ loved his job. Nick even told AJ once or twice that he didn’t have to “make” anything up. He was perfectly happy talking to him on the phone since he hadn’t seen him for two days. It was when Nick told AJ how much he missed him, that two realized the true love that bonded them together; even through the miles that separated them. Misty, their golden retriever even voiced an opinion on the matter. Nick giggled and said that she missed AJ almost as much as he did. AJ couldn’t take it. He had to cut the rest of the week short, canceling meetings so he could fly home to see Nick the next day. The surprise was unexpected but not unwelcome. They spent the entire afternoon in each other’s arms, making love and confessing how much they in deed loved each other.

Around the time of Nick’s graduation, things got a little rocky. The couple had lived together for nearly six months, sharing everything. Nick was stressing out, his finals were draining out his energy. His parents kept calling, wanting to know if he had gotten into the college he wanted. That was another thing. College. He wanted to go, he had always wanted to go but that meant leaving AJ. Nick got accepted to the Art Institute of San Francisco. It had always been his dream to go there, but AJ was his life. That was something Nick didn’t want to leave behind.

After some talking, AJ had convinced Nick to go to college. He would gladly wait for him; as long as he had to. But the week before Nick’s graduation, stress levels were running high. Nick had two more finals to take before he was a hundred percent sure that he would be graduating with the rest of his class. His teachers told him repeatedly he would pass without a hitch but Nick didn’t want to be so sure. AJ, was working on three different projects for work, and hadn’t paid as much attention to Nick as he would have liked.

Words were said, and Nick commented on how AJ seemed to be distant towards him. That’s when AJ shot back that Nick was the one who wanted to just up and leave him. Running off to college seemed like the better option for Nick. Nick didn’t have anything to say after that. He gathered up most of his things and left the apartment in tears. AJ tried to apologize, tried to make him stay but Nick was too stubborn and too hurt to listen. He ended up renting his own two bedroom house for the last two months he’d be in Florida.

AJ took that as a test. Would he survive the separation that college was going to bring? He had no idea, but having Nick live across town where AJ couldn’t be drove him insane. AJ would wake up in the middle of the night, roll over and put his arm around Nick’s pillow wishing with everything in him that it was Nick, and not some fluff stuffed inside a cotton bag.

AJ would keep Misty with him, it was a mutual agreement that Nick wouldn’t be able to take good care of her while he was away. He just promised, he would fly back to Florida and visit as much as he could so she could keep AJ happy.

“Baby wake up,” AJ whispered softly. He ran his hand over Nick’s soft cheek and leaned over, kissing his lips gently. “Come on,” He urged again.
Nick’s eyes batted open, slowly at first but then he was awake and sitting up slightly in his sleep. “Where are we?” He yawned.
“Airport,” AJ replied. He ran his hand through Nick’s blonde hair, smiling as Nick yawned again. “You didn’t sleep well last night did you?”
Nick shook his head no and smiled over at AJ. “I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you long enough to fall asleep.”

AJ smiled again. He leaned over in his seat and kissed Nick. He kissed him like he had never kissed him before, and he kissed him like it was a kiss of the century. AJ didn’t want to forget. Nick’s hands were on the back of his neck, rubbing over the short hairs gently. Their tongues battled together, both men moaning softly as they fought to control their hormonal surges.

“I love you,” Nick breathed as he pulled back.
AJ nodded immediately. “I love you too.”

They stared at each other for several minutes, smiles on their faces but fear and wonder in their eyes. Nick looked into AJ’s brown eyes in question, his hand holding onto his lover’s chin while his thumb went lazily over the small stubble line on AJ’s jaw bone.

“I…” Nick started to speak but stopped himself. He leaned forward quickly and kissed AJ’s lips lovingly and then engulfed him in a warm embrace. AJ sighed, his eyes closing and arms going around Nick’s body. This was too damned hard.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Nick said sadly as he hugged onto AJ a little more. AJ nodded, he too would miss Nick.
“It’s only for seven months. Then you’ll be home for two,” AJ reminded softly. Nick sniffled, his mouth right next to AJ’s ear. He took in his scent, he took in his touch and everything that went along with him. Nick was scared to leave.

“Come on,” AJ said being the strong one. “It’s time we went inside and got you on board to the west coast.”

Nick looked at AJ’s eyes, he tried to open his mouth and beg but Nick knew this is what he wanted to do with his life. This was something he had to do now for if he stayed with AJ then, he would never accomplish his goals. Nodding his head, Nick pushed his blonde hair back behind his ears and climbed out of the vehicle. He walked around the back and opened up the trunk. He quietly pulled out all his luggage, AJ running off towards the elevator to find a push cart for all of them. They left the parking garage in silence and then entered the terminal with no more than a few words exchanged. AJ pushed the cart containing all of Nick’s luggage down the main area of the airport, waiting patiently as Nick checked in and got his boarding pass from the front desk.

“Baggage check in is around the corner,” Nick said pointing in the right direction before he stuffed his ticket into the back pocket of his jeans.
AJ started pushing the cart along side of Nick. He knew where check in for bags was, result of having to go to the airport all the time either picking up clients or flying off to different points of the country on business.

“You checking them all in?” AJ asked once they made it to the front of the line.
Nick turned and looked back at him, nodding his head. “Yeah except for my backpack. It has my iPod and stuff in it.”

They began to load all of Nick’s stuff up onto the convey belt, the lady behind the counter tagging each one with a label containing all of Nick’s vital information. After all that was taken care of, AJ pushed the cart down to the return slot so it could be used for somebody else. He waited for Nick, who was busy getting his backpack on his shoulders and then they took off for the security check point. AJ watched Nick closely as he walked through the metal detector. Not a single beep. It was AJ’s turn and he walked through.

Beep beep beep.

‘Damn it,’ AJ thought as he emptied out his pockets and walked through again.

Beep beep beep.

“For crying out loud,” AJ groaned. The man at the gate had him step out of the way so he could do the individual detector.
“I think it’s your belt,” Nick said pointing to the crotch of AJ’s pants. The security guard scanned the device up and down AJ’s body, it only beeping when it passed AJ’s waist.
“Can you take off your belt?” The man asked and AJ shook his head. “Why not?”
“My pants will fall to my ankles,” AJ replied quite honestly. Never the less, AJ had to remove his belt and hold his pants tightly in fear that they wouldn’t fall. The guard figured it was just the belt that was beeping and allowed AJ to put it back on. They were given permission to proceed. Nick smiled at AJ as they started walking towards the correct gate.

“Shut up you,” AJ said with a teasing grin.
“I didn’t say anything,” Nick protested bumping into AJ playfully. AJ shook his head and laughed.
“I was kinda hoping you’d lose your pants though,” Nick whispered as he moved his mouth next to AJ’s ear. AJ linked his arm around Nick’s and rested his head against Nick’s shoulder. He sighed contently as their walk turned into a stroll once they reached the correct departure gate.

“This is it,” Nick whispered turning to face AJ after his flight was announced to have arrived on time. AJ nodded and then wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist. He looked up into those blue eyes he loved so much and smiled.
“I love you Alex,” Nick whispered. He leaned down and rubbed his nose against AJ’s. AJ couldn’t stop smiling, even though he knew it would be a long time till he saw Nick again.
“And I you,” He replied kissing Nick’s lips quickly. “Maybe I’ll get a nice long weekend where I’ll have to fly out and see you.”
“Maybe,” Nick smiled. “I hope maybe turns into surely, and that surely is someday soon.”
“Me too,” AJ said tracing his finger over Nick’s lower lip before they kissed. The kiss was long and passionately, neither bothered by those around them. It would be months before they would be in each other’s arms, and they wanted to remember their last moment together forever. They wanted to be able to remember the salty taste of the other, the warmth of their arms and how their heart swelled when the other said I love you.

Finally AJ pulled back, his hands on Nick’s chest. “They called your row number,” He mumbled staring up at Nick.
Nick nodded. “I know they did.”
“Go,” AJ said pushing Nick gently towards the tarmac. “Go get on your plane baby.”

Nick’s mouth opened, he was going to protest and change his mind one final time to stay there with AJ but he didn’t. He whispered I love you and then turned, walking the rest of the way to the lady at the open door. He handed her his ticket and then turned to wave at AJ. Blowing him a quick kiss, Nick entered the small shoot that would lead him onto the plane and never looked back. His seat was luckily next to the window. He sat down and pushed the blind up. He saw AJ standing there, he wasn’t looking directly at him but Nick knew he was staring at the plane. Nick cupped his hands just so, bending his fingers a little more so they formed a heart. He pressed them against window and then peered out the one next to his. He saw AJ smiling and that’s when the plane started to move.

Nick looked down at the printed out piece of paper in front of him. It was his monthly progress report. He had to send it out to everyone that was giving him scholarships so they were absolutely sure he was doing well in school or else they would have to pull back some of their donations. He sighed heavily, and looked at the row of A’s that lined his paper. ‘One month down,’ He thought as he stuffed the paper in his pocket and picked up his things. For awhile he had been a little worried that his teacher’s wouldn’t appreciate all his art projects being of the same nature; AJ. But Nick couldn’t help it. He missed him so much that it hurt to climb in bed at night. His dreams were full of memories and happy endings that AJ held in Nick’s heart. Nick shook his head, he wasn’t going to get all depressed and upset again. He would just catch the trolley to the dorms and call AJ, even if he did have to wake him up.

“Hey Nick!” Someone shouted from behind him. Nick knew who it was and began to walk a little faster.
“Nick wait up!”
Then the hand was on his shoulder, stopping Nick from walking any further. ‘Damn it,’ Nick thought as he was stopped just under the large tree in the middle of the court yard that the campus contained.
“What can I do for you Brandon?” Nick asked. He hated this guy. It was like he was the school’s bully and loved pestering Nick to the last little thread broke.
“I wanted to see if I could borrow your sketch notes from class today,” Brandon said with a shrug. Nick eyed him carefully. The man seemed to have other motives.
“I don’t have them with me,” Nick lied turning to continue on his way. “Sorry,” He said as he started walking down the long flight of stairs. Nick heard Brandon on his tail, and he cursed under his breath.
“You sure?” Brandon questioned grabbing Nick’s arm once again.
Nick shrugged him off and nodded. “Yeah. Sorry I don’t have them.”
Brandon shook his head and practically pulled Nick down the rest of the stairs. “I don’t believe you,” He said.

“What do you want from me?” Nick asked becoming very aware that they were headed back towards the school. He needed to get home, the last trolley left at six and it was already forty-five after. The sun had set and Nick was worried that Brandon was going to pull something. When he didn’t get an answer, Nick asked where they were going. Brandon still didn’t say a word. Nick surveyed the situation quickly. Brandon was at least four inches taller than he was, wider and stronger too. Things didn’t seem to be waving in his favor.

Brandon pushed open a side door and walked back into the main building, Nick’s arm still in his grasp.
“You sure you don’t have those notes?” Brandon asked opening up another door and pushing Nick inside. The room was dark but Brandon was quick to hit the light switch.
“I…I…I could check,” Nick stuttered as Brandon moved closer towards him.
Brandon shook his head and ran the back of his finger down Nick’s cheek. “Don’t worry about it now.”
Nick’s eyes followed Brandon’s finger and he asked why.
“Because…” Brandon said softly before he pressed his lips forcefully against Nick’s. Nick pushed Brandon away from him, his books falling to the floor of the small storage room.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Nick asked in disgust.
“Getting my notes,” Brandon sneered as he turned Nick around and pushed him against the wall.
“Don’t do this,” Nick threatened feeling his pants getting pulled down to his knees. “Please,” He begged as tears suddenly swelled up in his eyes. Brandon didn’t speak a word.

Nick’s head was rested against the wall, tears falling down his cheeks as he felt hands on his ass. They spread his cheeks apart and then he screamed.
The pain was horrible. Nick had never felt anything like that, his body was splitting in two and all he could do was scream over and over. The tears flowed like a massive flood on a waterfall. Nick’s mind couldn’t take the anguish any longer and shut his system down into auto pilot. He didn’t feel anything, he didn’t hear anything. He didn’t see, or taste or smell a thing. He was in a black room, his eyes fixed on the same spot on the furthest wall. Nick’s throat seemed to have closed off and he couldn’t breath. Why was this happening? How could he let this happen to himself?

He then heard someone talking to him, and then a sharp pain as someone smacked his backside. His trembling body crumbled to the floor and he was alone. Curling up into the tightest ball imaginable, Nick sobbed. He couldn’t take it anymore, he couldn’t take being alone.

Hours passed, and Nick finally climbed up to his feet. He zipped up his ripped jeans and collected his books. The tears never seemed to stop as Nick quietly made his way out of the storage room. The school was deserted by now and he crept his way down the hallway. Nick looked over his shoulder, over and over again as he made his way to the main street that would lead him down the fourteen blocks to his dorm room. It was after nine o’clock that night, and Nick had no other way of getting home. He fixed the strap on his backpack and began his journey. His mind went over what had happened, making a decision on what he should do to “fix” it.

Dumping his keys on the closest table, Nick grabbed his cordless telephone and dialed AJ’s number. He knew it was almost twelve over there but he had to talk to Alex. One ring, two and then finally on the third there was a hello.

“Alex?” Nick sniffled slightly.
“Baby? Nick what’s wrong?” AJ said in alarm sitting up in his bed.
Nick closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Do this Carter,’ He commanded himself. His mind kept repeating that if AJ found out, he would hate him. He would disown him and never at him the same again.
“I can’t…” Nick started and then rubbed his fingertips over his eye lids. “I can’t date you any more Alex.”
“What? Why?” AJ questioned not sure if he should believe Nick or not.
“Things are just getting to complicated and hard with you being way over there and me being here,” Nick said as honestly as he could.
“I see,” AJ nodded, his beating heart breaking with each word Nick said. “Care to explain this decision of yours to me?”
Nick shook his head and then realized that AJ couldn’t see him. “Not right now, no…I can’t.”

AJ went to question why not when he was met with the dial tone. He looked down at the phone questionably and then slowly hung up. His mind went over what Nick had just told him, and his eyes closed up tightly and his hands turned into fists as he punched the wall right behind his bed. The sheetrock grumbled against AJ’s rage.

AJ called in the next morning, requesting a few days off for personal leave. He was granted three days at the max. Quickly booking a flight to California, AJ packed a few bags and then dropped Misty off at a local kennel to be taken care of.

He sat on the plane, his mp3 player on repeat as he thought of Nick. AJ had to understand, he had to find out what had happened to make Nick do what he did. His eyes slowly closed on their own, needing sleep. Something AJ didn’t get much of the night before. Within minutes it seemed, AJ was awoken by one of the stewardess nudging him awake. It was time to put his seat belt on and descend down to the airport. Watching the ground below get closer and closer, the butterflies in AJ’s stomach worsened. What if Nick didn’t want to see him? What if he wouldn’t even talk to him?

‘I have to give it a shot,’ AJ thought. He wasn’t going to be ok with Nick’s decision, especially when they almost had four years behind them. He was going to fight.

He picked up his bag at baggage claim and hailed a taxi as soon as he stepped outside. AJ told him where to go, knowing Nick’s address by heart. The drive was just under half an hour and AJ tossed the taxi driver a fifty dollar bill.

“Keep the change,” AJ said as he grabbed his bag and closed the door swiftly behind him. He walked up the small steps to the front door of the dorm building and went straight to the elevator.
“Did you hear what happened last night?” One of the girls on the elevator asked the other.
“No,” The other said shaking her head. “What happened?”
“Brandon is going around saying that he finally got Nick Carter to sleep with him. They did it in the storage room of the Graphics building.”
“No way. You have to be totally lying!” The second girl exclaimed.
The first girl shook her head and insisted it was true. “Bran told me first thing this morning at breakfast in the food court. He said Nick even offered to do it again sometime, just in the Art building with those special paints Mr. Johnson was talking about…you know the eatable kind they sell downtown at the pier.”

AJ just about lost his lunch as he got off on the correct floor. Was that the reason Nick broke up with him? Because he cheated on him, slept with another guy and then offered for more.

“No,” AJ said sadly, on the verge of tears. He shook his head as he made it down the hallway and to Nick’s dorm room. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for someone to answer.

Finally the door opened up and Nick stood there looking like death had paid him an early morning visit. He realized who was standing at his doorstep and his eyes seemed to have bugged out of his head.
“Alex what are you doing here?”
“I came…I came to see you,” AJ replied softly. “I wanted to know why you broke my heart.”
Nick leaned against the door, his mind thinking of what to say.
“I guess I heard enough on the elevator then huh?” AJ questioned, biting his lower lip as he looked away from Nick.
Nick’s mouth dropped open in shock, what had he heard?
“What?” Nick asked. “What did you hear on the elevator?”
AJ’s head snapped back around and looked at Nick. His eyes seemed to bore a whole into Nick’s as he opened his mouth to speak. “You cheated on me…with some guy named Brandon. It’s all over school now how you offered to do it again.”
Nick shook his head instantly, tears flooding his eyes once again. “No,” Nick sobbed. “I didn’t do that, I swear to God AJ I didn’t do that. I would never do that to you.”
AJ couldn’t take Nick crying any longer and moved to stand inside the small little room. “Then what?” He asked softly.
Nick looked down at his hands, the front door swinging shut. His eyes lifted and he mumbled, “He raped me last night Alex.”
“He what?!” AJ asked in alarm, his arms immediately going around Nick’s body. He wanted to comfort Nick, he wanted to let him know it was ok and that he was there to protect him. But Nick pushed him away.
“What are you doing?” AJ asked in confusion.
Nick pointed to the door and said, “Get out. I don’t want you here. I’m dirty…”
“No,” AJ said shaking his head. “There’s nothing wrong with you baby, please.”
Nick wiped his hands over his face and looked back at AJ with pleading in his eyes.
“Go Alex. I don’t need you here, I don’t want you here…I don’t want to see you any more.”
AJ didn’t know what to say or do, Nick wasn’t being rational and the only thing that would make him happy at the moment is if he did leave. And that’s what AJ finally decided to do. He picked up his bag and walked to the door. He stopped halfway out and turned back around, tears making clear tracks down his cheeks. “I love you Nickolas. I always have and always will.”

Nick waved his hand, dismissing AJ and his words before he turned and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door closed behind him. AJ jumped at the slamming of the door. That door closing seemed to be his life, with Nick, closing once and for all. He never thought he would have to see the day when he would willingly have to let Nick go. AJ shook his head sadly, the pain in his chest worsening.

Finally he reached out and took the doorknob into his hand and closed the front door silently, planning on going back to Florida to figure out how the hell he was going to live the rest of his life.

It was Nick’s last day. He got to go home today. Finally. It had seemed so long since he had checked into the clinic.
The guys had made sure he was kept under special watch. None of them wanted anything to happen to their band mate, their little brother and their best friend.
“I’ll be fine,” Nick had told them. Yet that was exactly what he had said prior to the incident.
He hated to think about what had happened. He hated thinking about anything that resorted in emotional pain.
Dr. Lark had rehashed his feelings and made him live through each memory again. It was supposed to help him, heal him in a sense.
Nick thought it was all bull shit. But did as he was told, wanting to get out of there and go back to his home in the Keys.
There he could always go and be alone; just how he figured he’d spend the rest of his days.

The guys were brought in on a special meeting. One where Nick was supposed to read a letter to each of them; those four men being the closest to him than any other human being or material object. They filed into the small office, all sitting down as soon as they found an empty seat. None of them had seen the young blonde for nearly a month and a half. Visitor restrictions had been tight on Nick because of his social status and how severe his case was. But when Brian expected a smile to be on his best friend’s face, he was saddened to see a lost, hopeless look. It wasn’t the Nick he knew. It was a stranger. Brian swallowed the lump in the back of his throat and turned to Howie who had sat down next to him on the couch. He gave a weak smile, that matching the other man’s.

The only movement from Nick was from his eyes. He had been watching Kevin. He watched Kevin walk in and sit down across from him, his left leg automatically crossing over his right. Kevin whispered something to Alex but Nick couldn’t read lips very well and let his mind struggle to determine what had been said.

“I want to thank you guys for coming on such sort notice,” The doctor started, standing at the main opening to the small circle in which everyone was sitting.
“We’d do anything for Nick,” Howie spoke up, receiving a nod from the other guys. The doctor smiled, holding his hands together in front of his body.
“That’s really great to hear,” He said glancing over at Nick who seemed fixed on a section of carpet that had been worn down over the years.
“Nick is doing well in therapy,” Dr. Lark had announced, his eyes never leaving his patient. “Nick is on the final section of his treatment where he acknowledges something about those he loves most, or that are closest to him in either a positive or negative way.” Walking towards Nick, Dr. Lark continued, “He has some pretty lengthy letters that I have not personally read but have had Nick review them for me as part of the exercise.”

The doctor sat down in the chair next to Nick and put his hand on the young man’s shoulder. “Nick?” He whispered. “You can read your letters now.”
Nick nodded his head, indicating he had heard his instructions.

The four men around the room watched with eager eyes as Nick stood up, one hand running down his pant leg to remove any sweat that had collected in his palm.
“I’m gonna start with Brian’s letter first,” Nick said in a shaking voice. That voice alone scared the men in the room. It wasn’t Nick’s. It wasn’t like him to be nervous.
When Nick looked towards his best friend, Brian gave him a reassuring smile; the only thing he could think of to give at the time.

“Dear Rok,” Nick started out, his hands fumbling with the pages of white paper.

You were always my friend. The one that made sure that if I got in trouble you’d take at least half of the blame. You stayed up with me till all hours of the night playing Nintendo and telling me about girls.

I remember when I was too young to go out and party; you’d stay in with me and say it was always better to be wherever we were then wherever they were. You’d sneak me alcohol in those blue tinted water bottles so I’d never feel left out, and you never complained about me being late.

The moments we shared while being Frick and Frack were the best. Then it seemed as if I grew up and you tried to stop me. I started making other friends and I knew you didn’t like it. I’m sorry it happened but you always shrugged it off, referring to the facts of life and what had to be had to be.

You started dating and I began to wonder if you were just retaliating against me. Then you met Leighanne. She’s a great girl don’t get me wrong but it was as if you shoved our entire relationship, friendship, memories…the whole idea of us being best friends down my throat and shouted that you never wanted me in your life to begin with.

I got angry then.

Nick stopped reading and took a deep breath. The doctor told him it was alright. Whenever he felt like it, he could continue. Sitting back down in his seat, Nick pushed the pages of his letter down onto his legs.

There was one time I remember clearly, it passes my brain every time I get into my mood. I called you up, asking to hang out that night but you said you had better, more important things to do. You had to take her dog out for a joyous run. You said the dog was worth more of your time than me. You hung up the phone and I ended up shoving mine through the wall. I didn’t let myself cry. I figured that if you found out, you’d call me a baby. You’d never look at me like a human again, or even a man for that matter.

I went into my bathroom and started to prepare for bed. I decided that if I lost myself in an early sleep that by morning I’d believe it was all just a dream. But I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like twenty minutes before I picked up my razor. That’s when my addiction to self destruction started. I cut once across my wrist and felt the burn. I knew I deserved to feel that pain, I knew I had to rid myself of all the evil you hated so much. I did it again and then again.
I had blood pouring out of my wrist and pooling on top of my bathroom counter. It felt so different then anything I had ever felt before. So unbelievably natural, almost to the point where I thought I had convinced myself that I liked the pain. I passed out that night and woke up the next morning in the hospital. Only later did I find out how I got there, but that’s a different story.

I don’t think you ever realized how much I had looked up to you, and idolized the way you were. But I don’t think it was you as a person. I think it was how the fans saw you. This perfect creature with those electric blue eyes, square jaw features and angelic voice. It’s almost like every time I stepped on stage, my vision of you was blurred and manipulated to the performance you gave; how you captivated the audience. But then again, you’ve always been Brian. That crazy guy I’ve grown to love like a brother. I’m sorry I disappointed you in the end and I’m sorry I tried to be around you too much to make you hate me. I didn’t want that at all.
I know I fucked up but then again that’s just me.

You’ll always be my best friend Frick, no matter what…even if a girl someday wins my heart.

Nick finished up his letter, his voice catching at different points where the memories were just too vivid to continue. He decided to take a chance and look up at his friend. As expected, Brian was in tears and shaking his head back and forth.
“You never disappointed me Nick,” Brian said clearly before he covered his mouth with his hand to let out a small sob. “I was as stressed out as you were and I never meant to hurt you…”
Nick looked back down at his letter and then over at his doctor.
“Let’s save all discussions till after Nick finishes his letters,” Dr. Lark instructed, putting his hands up to stop all the men from commenting on what had been said.

He could feel all the eyes on him, they were all staring at him. Knowing that he had probably just put the biggest guilt trip on one of the only people that had ever mattered to him, Nick felt like hiding again. He felt like running away and punishing himself for being honest with his feelings. Then he realized that the other three were probably dreading what he’d say to them. They were probably wondering what they had personally driven him to with each of their flaws. Nick knew they were going to ask him. Try to make it seem like he had some self control, some way he could have stopped himself when honestly there was no way.

“I’ll do Howie’s next,” Nick announced not lifting his eyes from his stack of papers rested in his lap. He swore he could hear Howie’s quick in take of breath as soon as he had mentioned his friend’s name.
“Go ahead,” The doctor encouraged. His voice always seemed uplifting, in that fake supportive manner.
Clearing his throat, Nick began to read.

Howie!
What a life you have lived thus far?! I admire you whole heartedly and respect you as a business man, a friend and a teacher.

I struggled to watch you lose your sister. You held it together though, more than I would have. You reminded each of us what was important, and I think that if you hadn’t I would be worse off now then what I am already. Because of what I saw happen to you, I attempted to regain and mend the broken ties between my family. I only wish for half as much love as which the Doroughs posses. I have yet to be so lucky.

You taught me how to be a friend without regrets. To live, love and learn without question. I have learned a lot from you Howie and I will be forever grateful.

Thank you for taking the time, and showing me that no matter what someone does, or doesn’t do that you should never hold that against them. Peace at heart helps mend physical boundaries. I shall never forget that simple peace of advice you gave me long ago.

I should announce to the world that if it wasn’t for you, I’d be in the poor house. I know it’s not that funny to joke about, but if you weren’t there it’d be true. You showed me how to manage my finances when my broker seemed to be screwing me over behind my back. You always told me never pay more for advice then what I’d pay my own mother; slim to none was always the best answer.

You introduced to me to great people and allowed me to be the first person to buy a condo in your new real estate complex. I’m not sure if you know it or not, but I still live there when I’m not in the Keys or on my boat. I have a picture of the two of us on my mantel piece, you holding up a dollar bill to remind on how to act and not get in over my head.

Thank you Howie. I can never say that enough. You have helped me more than you will ever know, and were always a true friend that I could count on when I needed it.

Nick looked over the last line of his letter and thought of the times he should have went to someone; went where he could have gotten help earlier but didn’t. He had failed that portion and he knew it, the guys knew it and the doctor diagnosed it.

Lifting his eyes, Nick stared straight at Howie. He didn’t move, just looked. Then Howie opened his mouth to speak but Nick beat him to it.
“Thank you.”
It was causal yet seemed to hold more meaning then the Thank Yous of the letter. Howie smiled and replied in a steady voice.
“You’re welcome.”

“Alex is next,” Nick whispered turning the page of his letter. He looked over at his tattooed friend and gave a short, barely noticeable smile. AJ put his hands together in his lap and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, waiting patiently for what was about to come.

“Your name is Alex,” Nick stated. “But only to the special few.”

You loved your name. You’d go by AJ on stage or in the fans’ eyes. But you told us to call you Alex from day one. You explained that only friends had the knowledge and privilege of calling you that. Girlfriends always got the choice though; Alex or Alexander, which ever they preferred.

You were the wild, crazy, party aholic that parents never wanted to see their daughters bring home. I hated how you could express yourself through tattoos and hair colors where as I couldn’t. I was the clean cut, cute, young one all the girls seemed to want.

I wish I could have been like you. Uncaring about most things, yet extremely passionate about others. You were always artistic and using that, I seemed to help myself grow because of your exhibits of that passion. Writing your poetry, or short snippets of songs, you seemed to keep your head from floating to the clouds. I remember you telling me that writing poems doesn’t mean that every other line had to rhyme.

I applaud you for taking the time to show me the way a girl’s mind work, even if you got smacked more than once. You were always the life of the party that way.

Yet there is still things that trouble me about you.

When you were in a bad mood, it was always me you seemed to take that emotion out on. You called me names all the time. Horrible names that I will never forget.

I remember lying awake at night, attempting to cry myself to sleep but so worried that you’d come back into the room and beat the living shit out of me just because of who I was or who I wasn’t.

Picking fights with me, or teasing me about the way my hair cut seemed to be a favorite past time of yours, especially when you were drinking. I always blamed the alcohol. I would tell myself ‘That’s not the real Alex. He’s just using AJ as his cover’.

But you never got better.

You almost broke my arm once, twisting it back behind me and screaming in my face that I was a fuckin’ loser and I was only in the group because they needed somebody with blonde hair. I almost started to believe you. I almost quit the group too. I figured that everyone would be happy if I wasn’t around.

That’s when suicide first started playing through my mind. It wasn’t till later, when I felt that Brain was on the same side as you that I actually attempted to kill myself. I couldn’t bare to be in either of your presence with the thought that nether of you guys wanted me around. I couldn’t mentally figure out what I did to you that was so wrong to cause such hatred. I convinced myself it must have been something physical.

I’m sorry Alex, even though you’re better now. You got yourself help and stopped drinking in such large amounts. I’m proud of you and what you’ve become. Maybe someday you can be proud of me.

Nick stopped reading when he heard someone sniffling. He glanced upwards and saw AJ’s hands covering his face. The man not much older than himself was crying. Brian walked over and put his hand on AJ’s back, tears coming down his face as well.

“I’ll stop there,” Nick said looking back at his page. “I didn’t write any more except that I’m glad he’s who he is and I wouldn’t change anything about him.”
He looked back towards his doctor, receiving a nod and appreciated smile. “Go ahead and continue.”
“I saved Kevin’s for last. I’m sure you’ll like this one the most,” Nick said with a deep breath.

Kevin, my big brother.
Because you were overprotective, I stayed in my hotel room, went to bed early and seemed to keep my head on straight when girls screamed at us wherever we were.

Because you were there, you kept me sane, talked to me when I needed an explanation and made everything seem right again.

Because you let me sleep in your bunk, I was no longer scared of the dark, made a secret with myself that someday I’d be just like you and realized you really did care about me.

Because you talked to me, I respected you for the older man you were, understood more about things than I could ever imagine and grew from your knowledge.

Because you allowed me to be who I really am, I appreciated everything you did for me, loved you more than I could imagine and wished that you’d stop treating me like a “little boy”.

Because you stopped calling me Nicky, I stopped looking up to you and began to look at you.

Because you stopped going out, I grew eager to spend more moments alone with you.

Because you found the girl of your dreams, my heart broke, my dreams shattered and I felt like I was left alone again.

Because you got married, I decided not to be there, went out of my way to hurt myself and never again let myself believe someday you’d care so much that things would be different.

Because you loved me even for a split second, I believe anything is possible, that someday I will find someone who’ll love me as much as I love you and then, I can be happy.